You're never fully dressed without a smile

This is my friend Cici. That is not her real name and I’ve actually only known her for a little more than 24 hours. In the past 24 hours my heart has continuously broken for her and oh how I wish I could intervene in her life in a more permanent and monumental way, but I suppose that is God’s job. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot save the world, no matter how hard I try, but Jesus will.

My friend Cici is 10 years old and in standard 5. For those of you reading this I am going to assume that you know a 5^th grader or have encountered at least one in your lifetime. Fifth graders often feel on top of the world. Big fish in the little pond and ready to move onto middle school, when I compare my 5^th grade self to Cici’s I want to ask God why? Why was I born into such luxury with so many people around me that love me? How can we have it so good in the states and still want more when there are so many suffering? I certainly was not wealthy, and I grew up in what most may consider a broken home. But my mom tried her best to make sure I had everything I needed and more, and I did. I never went hungry. I went to school, played sports, went to church and not once can I recall thanking God for these blessings while growing up.

I’m so thankful I serve a God who loves me unconditionally despite my faults and failures and forgives me before I even sin.

Okay, now I am going to rewind a little bit.

Yesterday I was lying in my bed snuggling with Ellie (best snuggler ever!!!) and Amy opened my door and told me she had to go up to the hospital to do a rape consult. My stomach dropped a little, but I didn’t really think too hard about it. About an hour later she called and asked if I would like to come sit with the little girl. I hesitantly said yes. I met Cici for the first time when she was sitting on a hospital table with tears of physical and emotional pain streaming down her face undergoing a lumbar puncture procedure. I instinctively took her hand in mine and tried to wipe her tears. When the procedure was over we moved on to go get her medication and two more injections.

I found out that Cici’s teacher brought her into the hospital that day after Cici had confided in her that she had been raped and this was not the first time.  She told us she had been previously treated at some clinic, but who knows what they treated her with. She tested positive for gonorrhea and syphilis. Her mother and grandmother abandoned her, we are assuming a couple months ago. She began staying with a family (most likely a neighbor), and her chore was to go down to the river to get the water. During this time, a man who was known to be a predator throughout the village repeatedly assaulted her. It really frustrates me that this man was a known predator and no one did anything to stop him. I just don't get it. He disappeared about a month ago and has not been seen since. 

After her consult was over I sat on the bench with her while we waited for Amy to get her medication from the pharmacy.  She was very disengaged (naturally) and didn’t talk at all (the language barrier did not help either.) We bought her milk and cookies and she sat there and silently ate. I eventually did get her to smile and even laugh by making funny faces and taking turns bopping each other with the teddy bear I brought. I must say, she has one of the most beautiful smiles I have seen. When she is truly smiling she gets these adorable, big dimples at the tips of her smile. She has been given so many reasons in this life not to smile, but she always finds something. I hope she holds onto that smile for the rest of her life.

I tried to highlight her smile in this picture,
but she is a little camera shy.

We met with a social worker from the hospital where she was going to spend the night. I walked home with tears in my eyes and my heart in my stomach. I fell asleep that night replaying the day and trying to imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes, I couldn’t. My stomach physically hurts when I think about the pain, humiliation and fear she endured.

This afternoon we took her to one of the children’s homes we support, Kinduwa, to stay. She spent the morning at our house just sitting on our porch coloring contently. The midgets colored with her, talked to her, and made her smile. I wish I would’ve gotten a picture, it was honestly such a God moment. He used toddlers to touch her heart, and he used all of them to touch mine. Her smile just melts my heart. And to see her smiling together with them was a blessing from God.

We dropped her off with a bag full of clothes and new shoes, a coloring book, crayons, and a little Bible. As I hugged her one last time I walked away with a heavier heart than I thought possible. To go through what she has, now surrounded by strangers and new faces in a new place.
She is 10 years old. My biggest worry when I was ten years
old was running out of chocolate milk and popcorn.

Cici’s story will always be in my heart and the image of her dimply smile will never leave me.

Sweet little Hannah holding her hand on our
way to her new home.

Cici's new home!

Some of Cici's new brothers and sisters!

Her new view from the hill of hope

I was not surprised when Chuck told me that her story is not uncommon. He has had to testify in court for at least 3 other cases since the beginning of this year, and has encountered and treated numerous other rape victims. These stories continue to become more common not only in Africa, but all over the world.

Anger. Anxiety. Hopelessness. 

That’s how I feel when I think about all the girls and women who are stripped of their dignity and worth through such a heinous and disgusting crime. I continue to ask, “How can God possibly be glorified through something so evil?” Chuck reminded me that his glory isn’t always redeemed in this lifetime. He also reminded me that there are many glories and blessings that are hidden from the human eye. I need to give it to God, and in return He will give me peace.

Lord, I want to just thank you for Cici. Thank you for her ability to smile during a time of so much pain and fear and for the way her smile has touched my life. Thank for you the plan you have for her- plans to prosper her and not to harm her and plans to give her hope and a future. Thank you for the way you knit her together in her mother’s womb. Lord, you know what she is going through and you are with her. You know her fears and anxieties and you will never leave her. I praise you Lord because she is fearfully and wonderfully made. You love her relentlessly and unconditionally. Lord, just be with her as she adjusts to this new life. Allow her to leave the past in the past and to heal completely and fully. Let your mercies just fall on her. Help those around her to just shower your love on her and make her feel welcome. We pray for logistics and the family visit the social worker will be doing next week and that everything would go over smoothly. Lord I pray for the man who assaulted her and many other girls. I pray that he would find you and you would meet him where he is. I pray that you would give Cici the strength to forgive him. I also pray that you would give me strength to forgive and to keep my emotions under control. Allow me to accept the situation and my ability to control the situation. Remind me daily that I can’t save the world and remind me to call on you when my feet begin to slip. I thank you for the opportunity to know Cici and her story and for the impact it has had on my heart and the impact her story will have on others. Be with her tonight Lord and help her sleep peacefully.

Amen.

On the left is Momma Sarah
the orphan director's wife