I am finding time to write to you now while the midgets are
down for a nap and little Hannah is at class. Amy and Lydia are in Nakuru until
tomorrow visiting the baby center. Today is just a preview of what my weekend
will look like. Chuck and Amy getting a well-deserved weekend away and I get
the kids for the weekend! I’m really excited, for me and for them. I just hope
the house is still standing by Sunday afternoon. I’m thankful for the peace and
quiet time to sit down and get my thoughts together and out into the world. Today
has been a long day and had potential to be a hard day, but I would say has
been a fulfilling day. I ‘ve learned a lot about myself, God and tasted a
little bit of struggles that missionaries face everyday day.
This morning I woke up at exactly 4:22 am to the hungry whimper
of baby Andrew. Andrew has been staying
with the Bemm family for about a month now so I have been with him for a little
over two weeks. When an orphaned newborn arrived in our home the task of
sleeping with baby Andrew was passed down from Amy to me so she could tend to
the newborn. Baby Andrew’s mom gave him
up because she was unable to care for him. For a while I just couldn’t wrap my
head around how a mother could just give up her two month old. I thought maybe
she was lazy or just didn’t care. The more I thought about the more frustrated
I got with the mother.
Andrew was supposed to leave our home last Friday to go to
the Baby Center. I had to take an unexpected trip to Nairobi with another missionary
and wasn’t going to get to say good bye to him. Thankfully I received a text
Friday afternoon from Amy telling me the baby was still there! I was having a
good time in Nairobi but I missed the baby dearly and was anxious to get home
to Tenwek. I knew he would eventually have to leave, but I was excited that I
got to come home to him.
It had only taken me about an hour to fall in love with Andrew
when I first met him and the next two weeks Amy, Lydia and I spent our time and
energy fighting over who would hold him, take him over night and even change
his diaper. If there was one bag of gummy bears left in the whole world I would
rather share those with someone rather than a baby, as I’m sure Amy and Lydia
would agree. We are baby hogs. Although we often made jokes about smuggling
Andrew back to the states and fostering him, I knew the reality of the
situation- it was just not in God’s plan for this to be his forever home. I
knew that. I understood that, but I don’t think that it made letting go any
easier. As I held Andrew last night I began realizing that I had very little time
left to snuggle him with him. He left with Amy and Lydia this morning for the
baby center around 6 am.
A few nights ago I was up late and thinking about baby
Andrew and his situation and I went in to ask Amy a question. My simple question
turned into a long conversation about the babies she had cared for and how she
cried and cried when she had to let go of the first baby girl that she cared
for in her home. She said that after about 20 it did get easier and she had a
better understanding of how the system works, but that didn’t mean that her
heart hurt less for every baby that came her away and was a part of her life
for a brief season. After my conversation with her I also felt a little more
comfortable with my emotions and I felt some new ones surface as well.
Earlier I said that I was frustrated and angry with the
mother who was giving up her precious son. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how
anyone could take a look at that smile and not do everything in their power to
keep that baby alive, happy and healthy. I guess when I felt anger towards this
mom I was blinded by my naïve emotions. I didn’t know this mom’s story and didn’t
know what she was going through. Amy pointed out that this mom had cared enough
to actually turn her son into a child officer instead of throwing him in a
garbage can and abandoning him completely as Amy has seen so many mothers do (there
are not words to express how I feel about that situation so I’m just going to
give it to God. ) Maybe it wasn’t that this mom didn’t love her son, or was too
lazy to take care of him. Maybe she did not have the support she needed and she
did what she felt she had to do to give her baby the best life possible. Her
intentions will always be unknown to me, only God knows her heart, but you’ve
got to believe in something. And I choose to believe that she loved him so much
to let him go.
When I think about it that way I have to think that (despite
the fact I have no choice) to keep Andrew here against God’s will would be
selfish. I always thought the saying, “if you love something then set it free”
(or however it goes) was really cheesy. I guess despite how cliché it may sound
there is truth in it. This morning I changed, fed, burped and held Andrew in
our home for the last time. (I hope to make it to the baby center soon for a
visit but due to upcoming elections I don’t know if that will be possible.) As
I held onto to those last few moments I continued to tell myself that I wasn’t
going to cry. Now, if you know me well, you know that was a silly thing for me
to even try and withhold tears.
As I handed Andrew over to Amy, I let go, not only of him
but of my tears as well. As I am in Kenya I am learning to experience my
emotions in the moment as I feel them instead of stuffing them, which I have a tendency
to do. As I watched them drive away I shuddered with heartache, tears and snot
rolled down my face but there was a glimmer of peace in my soul that I could
not put my finger on. It was 6 am, so I went and lied down back in my bed and
cried and prayed and cried some more until I finally fell back asleep. When I
woke I felt exhausted, as though I had only slept a total of one hour the
previous night. I could still feel my heart ache in the pit of my stomach, by
the grace of God- surrounding that heartache was comfort. Joy filled the broken
cracks of my heart and God had given me true peace about the situation.
I know deep in the depths of my heart that God already has a
family picked out for Andrew where he will grow up and be loved and cared just
as much as we loved and cared for him this past month. I can confidently say to
you that God tended to my hurting heart and smothered me in peace just over the
past few hours.
Here is a picture of baby Andrew around 3:30 in the morning...Waking up to feed, burp and change his poopy diaper was so worth it!
